


05:17 am

by alligat0r



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 04:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15332229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alligat0r/pseuds/alligat0r
Summary: he should’ve known.





	05:17 am

changkyun sighed, his head lowered and shoulders slumped in defeat. he felt naked, exposed, judged. fragile.

“it wasn’t really stealing, kihyun. i was just- keeping them for a while.” it was a stupid thing to say, really. he realized as much right after the words had left his mouth.

“so you just kept my polaroids for a while? you knew i was searching for them for days! you knew i needed them for the exhibition. what the hell, changkyun? i thought you were my friend!” kihyun exclaimed while stepping closer, his frame towering over changkyun with how minute he felt. the room started to feel too scorching and too cold at the same time. too much like a trap. as if the walls were closing in on him. he knew kihyun had been searching for his photographs and yet changyun had stolen them entirely out of fear - fear of kihyun putting these pictures on full display. fear of everyone knowing about the moments changkyun held oh, so dear in his heart. those blissful moments he yearned for still.

“l-let me explain, please. hear me out. i know you’re angry”.

kihyun scoffed - jaw set tight - folding his arms over his chest. “of course i’m angry. but go on.” changkyun sighed, trying to find the right words and stumbling over syllables. he picked on the sleeves of his hoodie and looked around the room.

when had it become so messy? his eyes found kihyun’s and he swallowed, gulping down the nonsensical string of emotional outbursts he was so close to voicing.

“these… these photographs… they’re all that’s left of – of our friendship.”

of us, he meant.

hidden in the drawer of his nightstand had been the polaroids that kihyun had taken before everything had become rotten, had become sour. before the world had started to feel so bleak and endlessly colossal and so, so empty. before changkyun had lost himself in the way things never actually last. before he had to learn that people always leave.

always.

he should’ve known.

 

changkyun looked over to the window, his nervous gaze looking out for the silver lining on the horizon. however, it was still dark outside, and everyone was asleep, light snoring coming from another room. then: if only that was him, changkyun thought. he hadn’t been able to get rest for days now, only ever tossing and turning and getting up with the first crack of dawn, all bloodshot eyes and a somber mind.

now if only he had not told kihyun to please go search the nightstand for his charger. if only.

too late now.

“you were willing to give away photos of… of us. back then. kihyun, i- “. but kihyun just snorted. “i have no idea why you’re making such a fuss about this. i wanted my exhibition to show multiple sides to us, including our happy times. what’s wrong with that? why are you being so selfish?”, he

exclaimed. changkyun huffed and took a step back. he hated this. truly hated how he kept driving kihyun away from him when all he wanted was to hold him dear. hated how he was being kept at an arm’s length with no chance to get closer. kihyun simply would not let him.

when did his heart start aching?

“i’m so sorry. so, so sorry. believe me – please.”

he had messed up.

regret, sorrow – clawing at his throat, threatening to bury him alive, leaving him dizzy and trembling.

“changkyun, please tell me why you stole them. why you didn’t take one or two but every polaroid of us? every single one. what’s the deal with that? we’ve been through this, haven’t we? i thought i had made it clear that from now on, there won’t be an ‘us’ anymore. there’s no point in keeping these.”

changkyun rubbed at his eyes and winced when his hands came back wet. of course, kihyun would have to remind him of his choice. of course.

kihyun stopped speaking and exhaled loudly.

he should’ve lied. should’ve lied back then when he had first confessed to kihyun one night. should’ve lied when he had held his hand and told him he had fallen in love with the way his nose scrunches up and the way he is so full of energy all the time and the way he sings, all heavenly and breathtakingly, making him stop and stare each and every single time.

kihyun reached out to him then, putting his hand on his shoulder. “sit, please. let’s talk.”

so changkyun sat down on the bed and wiped at his eyes, feeling small and lost and so, so desperate when kihyun placed his hand on his back. it was almost comforting, the way it brought back some of the warmth he had missed. it almost felt like spring. like the first sun rays after a seemingly endless night. almost.

“th- those memories were supposed to be ours, you know? yours and mine. i don’t w-want you to expose them to the rest of the world. please, kihyun. everyone will know.”, he whispered, trying not to fall apart. not now, at least. not in front of him.

“they’re still ours though. they’re still in our hearts. yet the photographs are also pretty amazing if you ask me. i really wanted to show them to the public.” he sighed. “i guess i should’ve asked you beforehand. whether you’re okay with my exhibiting those. i apologize.”

changkyun nodded and felt kihyun’s hand travel to his nape, petting his hair slowly. “i’m sorry things turned out the way they did. i’m sorry we never worked out. that’s what this is about, isn’t it?”

changkyun swallowed harshly and turned his head to look at kihyun, trying to stop his tears from spilling but to no avail.

outside, it had been raining for days now, unforgiving raindrops loudly hitting the windows and making them rattle with each impact while the pervasive fog lingered shortly above the ground, engulfing the world in a monochromatic slumber. the city looked gruesome and harsh like this, all grey with horribly bright neon lights piercing through the haze. the opposite of cordial, really.

it seemed like the city was never sleeping. just like him.

beyond the huge window of their room, the city lights glowed through a pair of the stained curtains that changkyun had promised to wash - eventually - with dim moonlight illuminating barely one half of his bed.

“i miss you so much, kihyun.”

 

longing.

 

“god, changkyun, i know. i miss you, too. so much. so, so much. but you’re only making this harder for us than it needs to be, you know.”

changkyun saw kihyun inhale, as if he were to say something only to swallow it back down and bite his lips. shaking his head, he got up and paced up and down.

“kihyun… do you remember what it was like? back then? we were so happy. do you not feel like that anymore?” he, too, stood up, crossing the room to get to the other. “do you not love me anymore?”

he folded his arms over his chest and started to shiver, the temperature in the room having dropped what felt like fifteen degrees. it was still pouring down outside, and the sun was hiding behind big dark clouds. one of those days, he guessed. one of those on which the sun would never break; with no daylight to break the surface of the puddles.

then kihyun spoke up quietly. changkyun was afraid he might miss it if he was to breathe too loudly.

“of course i still love you.”

The sensation shot through his muscles, veins – hope perching in his chest and making a home in it. euphoria spreading like wildfire.

“then let’s make this work. please. kihyun, i need you.”

 

fear.

 

the older was now crying, too; wiping at his eyes with cold, shaking hands. he looked absolutely wrecked. pale, thin, exhausted. changkyun wanted to hold him tight and never let go.

yet that remained but a dream when kihyun uttered: “you know we can’t. you know it. not for as long as we’re in the public light like this. maybe not ever. i need you to understand this and i need you to forget about us. what we had was a mistake. yeah, we were happy but all of that was never cut out for the long run and we both knew it. we were playing with fire, changkyun, and we had to stop before we got burned and before we’d have taken the others down with us. so you need to get over it, please. for your own good. let me go.”

the moment of collision, the rejection, he could not coherently describe, though he was sure it would plague the recesses of his mind in surges of yearning and despair during sleepless nights and endless days even months from now.

changkyun whimpered and turned away, walking towards the bed but stumbled when his legs gave out. he hit the floor, pulling his knees to his chest – shaking, sobbing.

it hit him then, that, no matter what, he could not go back in time.

he would never be able to wake up snuggled to kihyun ever again, their lips still swollen and raw with love from the previous night; would never stay up late with him - cuddled up beneath a soft blanket – just talking and laughing.

suddenly it became hard to breathe, his lungs seemingly failing and leaving him to suffocate in the ruins of his own mind with his body finally succumbing to all the worries in his head. to misery, overwhelming fatigue and, ultimately, to the bitterness of his heart.

anguish.

he retched, then coughed.

breathe in.

breathe out.

 

breathe in.

breathe out.

he inhaled, shakily, but could not exhale. another cough and flames in his chest, incinerating him from deep within his own body. he tasted ashes in his mouth. one second the world was spinning, the next he felt like he was falling into an endless pit of absolute darkness, the ground melting beneath his feet.

 

changkyun could hear his name being called, somewhere far in the distance. from a few miles away, it seemed. maybe from another life.

he felt someone hold his face, felt someone firmly shake his body, felt someone tap his cheeks, yet he could not see anything but dark clouds, could not hear anything but the blood pumping through his veins, could not feel anything but uttermost agony.

when dawn broke red and the shadows perished, changkyun saw wonho in front of him, holding him up and whispering sweet nothings, his face pale and eyes swollen. he blinked.

“it will be okay, changkyun. look at me. i’m here.”

changkyun looked into his eyes and felt his face burn with shame.

then, he looked around, saw his friends standing close by, their faces painted white with worry.

everyone was here, he noticed.

“you will be alright.”

 

everyone but kihyun


End file.
